I’ve needed to vent for some time now but I’m having a hard time doing so because I️ feel I’ll be judged no matter how I️ bent or where or to whom.

That being said please leave all negative comments or suggestions to yourself!!

These last few months of pregnancy have been extremely trying emotionally and physically for me. I’m in a lot more physical discomfort and pain than with the twins, go figure. The amount of energy, stamina and patience it requires to do most anything let alone be a stay at home Mom to my kids is more than I️ can muster right now. I️ feel selfish cause I️ don’t want to care for anything or anyone outside of myself right now I’m so drained. I️ hate that feeling.

My marriage has been rough for about a year now. Not to a point where we can’t work things out by any means, but by far the worst it’s been in 8 years. We are mad and resentful of each other for very valid reasons and are having a much harder time communicating and resolving them than we have in the past. Due to that this pregnancy has not been enjoyable, which is terrible since it’s my last.

Lately my emotions are spiraling down a bad path. I’m anxious all the time, angry or impatient with my children and my wife. I️ resent our cats need for attention and feel like we should not have animals right now, we don’t deserve them. Everything in the household is 90% on me everyday due to our situation and I️ am not dealing well with that. I’m starting to break down emotionally and headed toward depression which is scary.

I’m still on my antidepressants and probably need a higher dose but being in the third trimester is not safe to do so. I’m hoping the happy hormones I️ had with the kids after heir birth kick in with this one too. I️ have a postpartum doula who took us on pro bono and it’s starting to seek out helpers for me for a few weeks following the birth since I️ have little in the way of family and friends to support me this time. I️ also have a birth doula/chiropractor who has taken us on pro bono as well who is amazing! And our home birth midwife has us on a scholarship program for a very low fee. Those are all amazing things I️ can’t even believe we’ve been handed. Very grateful!

I️ have many many things I️ should be grateful for and happy about. But I’m so far in the dumps I️ can’t see it as much as I should. Today is thanksgiving and I’m not happy to go spend time worth family. I’m easily overwhelmed right now and I️ know I️ will be even more so when we get to my mother in laws house. She has her hands full already with her own personal Desmond along with carrying the burden of her children’s stresses too. Each family member is going through something incredibly trying or emotional right now.

That should make for a “fun” holiday lol

Anyway I️ could go on and on about all this but that’s as much as I️ can type out right now. I’m beyond counting down the days until this little boy arrives. He has to stay in until 12/5 at least to have a Home birth, after that it’s all gravy. I’m very much feeling he will be here around my birthday December 11th, but we will see if he takes longer than I’m thinking.

Hope everyone else is in a much better place right now and enjoying their holiday season!