Stay at home moms:
Is it just me or do your kids never let you take care of household work, run errands or eat? Let alone be happy half the day!
I’m so fucking exhausted and ready to check myself into a silent retreat for a few weeks. No one around me seems to understand my struggles or even care. I have Littleton help during the week and when I do get help it never seems very helpful.
We are trying to find a daycare or preschool for our twins a few days a week to relive me but they are so expensive it makes it seem worthless. I love my kids but I resent being a stay at home mom. It not even close to “easy” like people think. It’s beyond demanding, at least for me.
Adding this third one to my very stressed out life is really freaking me out. I have no idea how I’m going to juggle naps, eating, diapers, potty training, playtime and then household chores, errands and any time for myself. My wife gets the luxury of having a great job and leaving the house 5 days week and having minimal to do when she is home.
Not me! I’m here 24/7, on a schedule cause there’s no way around it when your feeding and caring for twin toddlers. After she gets home I still have dinner, baths and bedtime, along with cleaning up the toys and then hopefully going to sleep. Waking up with both kids and watching her leave the house 30min later just to start all over again.
It’s never ending. I resent not having a career before these kids came along. I want them in childcare at least part time. Anytime I talk to other stay at home moms they never seem to understand. I’ve stopped venting cause I feel like a complainer, the outcast mom who no one understands. They all have kids who sleep and eat well, behave themselves most of the time (or so it seems) or just have it all figured out better than me.
Is it have I have twins? Or is it that I’m
Not meant to do this? Either way I’m stuck and it’s getting lonelier and harder to manage. I thought it was supposed to get easier?
Ladylove & Babydust 
i think it’s hard no matter what, and i think you need to ask your wife for more help. having a job outside the house doesn’t exempt her from helping more at home.
I have asked for more help many many times. It last about a day or so and she “forgets” or something. I’m just so tired of asking for help. I want people to help without me asking for once.
The constant emotional work of identifying what needs to be done and doing it is so hard. I’m sorry your not getting the help you’ve asked for.
Thanks!
i get it. we both work, but i definitely shoulder the bulk of toddler care in the evenings since hubby has a long commute home and sometimes doesn’t make it back in time for bedtime. some nights i’m fine and just wash dishes, pack snacks for the next day, whatever. other nights i tell him (i stopped asking – felt like i sounded more naggy that way) to do those things and he does. it may not be exactly how i wanted it, but i got over it to let him take on more without feeling like i’m constantly nagging.
I told kate the same thing, that I’m done asking and I’m going to tell her now what I need her to do if she’s not doing it on her own.
I’m sorry to hear about this. I can’t imagine what you are going through but nothing about it sounds easy. It sucks that childcare is astronomical. Have you ever thought about a sitter? Just someone who can come over while you run some errands. It’d be great if they can go with the sitter to the park so you can have the house to yourself. Usually sitters are cheaper than childcare. Especially if you find a nice college student who just wants to make some extra money. I’ve used care.com in the past and they do background checks. Good luck and I am sending you good vibes!
I have used a sitter before and it’s never worked out the way I’ve needed. I feel like they need more other kid interaction as well as more routine like a daycare or preschool would provide. Sitter for errands is fine but I really need them out of the house for long periods of time to make it worth it, most of the nannies for twins are $25/hr.
That’s fair. Hopefully you get some relief soon!
Your experience as you’ve described it matches that of other SAHM/WAHMs I know, including my wife. She does make it to the grocery store with one kid, but refuses to go with two.
I’m on Team Wife Helps More and I am absolutely 100% her. It sucks to come home at the end of a workday and have to shift into other-work mode, but my advice (unsolicited I know) is to designate a couple of tasks and carve out the time to do them. I’d be happy to say more about what works for me if that would be useful, but the take-home here is that it has made a HUGE difference to the functionality of our home, once I got past the initial adjustment and, yes, resentment. Huge. 10/10 would recommend.
I’m all ears
Well, my wife broke her foot, rendering her unable to stand up, so I was thrust into this rather suddenly. So I don’t recommend that on your/her end, but…needs must makes for pretty quick assimilation into the new world order. Here’s what’s working for me:
– Designate specific tasks that become my responsibility and a set time to do them each day/week. (Load dishwasher between bedtime and TV time; unload in morning while kids are eating breakfast, make their lunch before I brush my teeth, laundry on a Friday or Saturday night, fold it the next morning when the kids wake up early, clean bathroom on Wednesday night, etc.) Regularity is key for me–building into the day/week as if it’s a meeting at work and sticking with it or rescheduling if I have to move it. All the new responsibilities felt burdensome at first, but now they’re part of the routine. And the bonus is that when my wife chips in on one of my tasks (for example if she makes C’s lunch before I get home from work), I feel so grateful, which drives home how much I needed to be doing these things in the first place.
The other things that work for me/us were put in place before the foot incident–agreed-upon morning wake-up schedule for the week (we liked every other day–so she’d take MWF and I’d take TThS and we trade Sundays) and a designated night each week for each of us to go out for purely personal reasons. Knowing that we have a guaranteed night out and sleep-in time in the horizon makes it SO much easier to get through the harder moments of the daily grind and it’s all guilt-free because it’s all but mandated. Even more so for her than me, but it helps me keep my resentment at bay and stay in the moment when I’m “on duty.”
Good luck to you–none of this is easy for anyone.
I’d love a schedule like that. I have been asking for years for her to set a routine and stick to it, put it as a timer in her phone for specific days and do it like that. She just so stubborn and a huge procrastinator so it never happens. I losing my cool in it though.
As for sleep in time we had the same schedule for a few months but now that she commutes for work it doesn’t work for us anymore. Now it that I got Saturday mornings to sleep in and she gets Sunday mornings to sleep in.
1. It is SO HARD. I see how difficult it is for L and have so much respect for SAHM. I’ve had a little taste while on leave and it’s no joke.
2. Are the twins 2 yet? Look into a co op preschool. If she’s usually require you to work in the classroom a few days a month, but it’s very inexpensive (ours is $55/month) and gives L a chance to have some space. 3. Why isn’t Kate doing dinner and baths and bedtime and dishes and toy pick up??
The kids just turned two and I’m going to look into the co op preschools but I feel like it defeats the point in many ways
Kate works 1hr away from home so by the time she gets home it’s 6/6:30 and I need to have dinner already done and be feeding the kids, then she needs to eat and change her clothes, then spend a little time with the kids. While she’s spending some time with them I multitask (major multitasker here) and clean up toys and start their bath and prep their room for bedtime. A lot of what I do could probably be put aside but I hate clutter and feel kids need a stable routine. I’m sure I make it harder on myself for that reason.
I have mad respect for stay at home parents. By Sunday night I’m so done. It’s humbling that 48 hours of full time children crushes me. Sounds like you’re doing an awesome job though. Do you think you could budget maybe a hotel just for you every few weeks? That forces others to fill in and you dont have to witness the shit show. 🙂 Instead you can catch up on sleep and bad TV?
Man I wish we could budget that. I think about it ALL the time!
I feel you. Things are the same way here. I think having two the same (or in our case, close to the same) age is what makes it unbearable. Also the being in the terrible twos- just a tough age. Could you get Kate to meal prep a large number of meals (for like 3 days worth) after the kids go to bed? She’d only have to do it 2-3 times a week, and then you wouldn’t have to cook meals from scratch while you’re solo parenting. I am with the kids full time right now, and I do all of the cooking and cleaning too. It’s exhausting, but my wife comes home from work and then has to work for several hours at home prepping for teaching the next day too, so she’s busy all night too. I just keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel- that it will get easier once they’re 4 or 5 lol. Lord help us. I’m thinking of you and hoping things get easier.
It really does get easy the closer you get to 4. Granted, I only have one to worry about all day, but that year between 3-4 they get so much more independent. My son will play by himself, or even ask to help me cook or do laundry. I get so much more done now without him detailing my progress. He’s also in a local church preschool (much cheaper than the others around us) two days a week, just for a few hours and it is WORTH EVERY PENNY to have a few hours to get to the store, or clean, or nap, or just watch bad tv and eat cold pizza.
Not easy! But EASIER*
I have been frantically looking into preschools or even daycares for two days a week that we can afford so I can have a real break. I’m admit will happen before this new baby gets here.
We talk about meal prepping all the time but in reality I don’t think it will happen. It’s hard enough getting her to clean the kitchen and coop the litter box daily after work.
I’m so sorry. It sounds really stressful, but you’re doing a great job. We both work and we only have the one kid, but our marriage improved dramatically when we designated specific tasks to each other. She does laundry on the weekends, so we don’t think about it during the week. I wash dishes while she does bath time. She vacuums, I pack Mabel’s lunches. It took some adjusting at first, but we’ve gotten into a groove now. Hang in there! Even with the expense of preschool, don’t forget that your sanity is important. It’s money well spent if it helps relieve your stress.
We designated chores a long time ago but it seems I’m the only one who keeps up on mine.
It’s tough, for sure. I mean, I just recently became a SAHM for the next year or so and it’s full on. I get the struggle. My hub works a demanding job with long hours that sometimes have him leaving at all hours of the night. And He’s on his phone when he’s home dealing with issues. I get it though, some jobs/career paths are more demanding then others and I’m supportive of his ambitions (to a point).
Something’s that have helped me keep my sanity:
– hired a house cleaner. It’s easier for me to take the kids out of the house for 3-4 hours and pay someone $20/hr to come once a week then loose my marbles trying to clean.
– preschool. I enrolled the kids in preschool twice a week for 3 hours. Where we live it’s $130/month per child.
– although not hard and fast rules, the hub has designated responsibilities that are his like bath time. Bath time is at 6-630. If he walks in the door at 605 then he gets to eat dinner when the children are done being looked after. That’s not my problem if he doesn’t get to eat his dinner as soon as he walks in the house. This isn’t 1950 and I’m not going to fetch him a scotch either. Sounds harsh but the kids and the routine come first. Also, if he’s home early enough, he finishes cooking dinner while I go do something else. Like maybe even go rest because being pregnant and mommying twins all day is exhausting.
– bedtime. We take turns depending on the needs/demands of the day or twins. And if that’s me, then he’s in the kitchen tidying up. But again, if he hasn’t had dinner and the twins want to do story time and cuddle time with him, then that’s a hubby problem. He’ll grab a piece of whatever and get back in there.
I’m a no nonsense mom lol. I’m likely a no nonsense partner too. If your wife gets home too late to eat dinner with the family then maybe she needs to take extra food with her to eat on the way home to tide her through the bedtime routine. I think having a career myself and now transitioning to SAHM gives me an understanding into both worlds and having a career or being the primary breadwinner isn’t a trump card to do 10% around the house or with the family. Having a career or demanding job isn’t an excuse for not doing more around the house. I’ve also been known to get creative if hub hasn’t listen to me communicating my needs (I.e. I dumped his tools that he leaves lying around the house in the back yard 😂).
The intensity isn’t forever. The demands won’t be forever. But to make it through this, we must share as much as is possible, of the load. Otherwise no one is going to make it out in one piece lol. Being at home, the brunt is always going to fall in you/me but the it’s not a 90/10 situation. On his day/days off, I carve out me time or family time. The more pregnant you get it’s going to be a necessity that she takes the kids for a couple hours at a time, out of the house or away from you, and you do whatever you need to, to recharge and take care of you and baby.
Hugs mama, lots of hugs.
You all seem to have partners that actually do what you’ve suggested. I’ve been asking and asking and now telling and telling so much that I’m just resentful all the time. I don’t even want to have alone time with her very much cause I want time to myself and I want her to do things she should be doing instead. I get she’s tired too but she has no understanding of my kind of tired.
Where do you live? Preschool here at the cheap east for two kids is $1000/month.
Preschool that they’re going to is twice a week for 3 hours each time. They could go more but with a new baby I didn’t want to over commit.
🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦
*hugs*
That’s a pretty serious rift that’s only going to get wider.
I don’t have much to add to what others have already said, aside from just: SAHMing is INTENSE. I only do one day a week on my own and I can’t imagine doing it all week. I actually do most of the household chores on my work days, because I simply can’t get half of it done with the baby around.
Even with a partner who listens, though, the struggle to keep the chores balanced is difficult. I can’t imagine with a partner who doesn’t listen. Have you thought about couple’s therapy?
We have always had couples therapy up until 7mo ago. Starting again soon.
Do you have them in activities? Mommy and me classes? Find some Mom groups to connect with, you have to have a day for you girlfriend, otherwise you’ll go insane. That goes for you and your wife too, it’s imperative to have one on one time! I know it’s easier said than done, but it may help!
She always has one day a week if not two that she has softball. I never get a day cause I don’t have any activities planned for myself or we can’t afford it. I need to figure something out though.
I’ve been trying very hard to connect with mom groups. Also looking into activities for them, our budget is just so tight it’s hard to find anything we can afford. We live in the most expensive place in CA!
Try meetup.com. They have a TON of free stuff and you may just find something for you once a week that will help you feel better!
There are not as many as you’d think in my area. I’ll look again though.
( I don;’t know why it wont comment at the bottom and just on other comments! weird!) So, that SAHM ish is no joke. I definitely am not the on to do it. I lose my cool way to quickly, become totally overwhelmed, and then lose my shit (which is totally different from “my cool”). Callie and I bicker about house work all the time, and we are BOTH full time working moms. All the stuff you manage to get done during the day, now has to happen in a 2 hour span WITH 5 kids involved. Sometimes we don’t want to. So we don’t! Does it suck!? YUP! But fuck it! Sanity is better!
Our kids have routine. Constantly! But some days, we’re skipping bathtime because, umm, don’t feel like it! Sometimes, they’re gonna cry it out cuz mama needs a damn break, and sometimes (or lots of times) Callie is gonna hear me say, “No seriously! For the fucking 50th time this week, I NEED YOUR HELP!” And it gets like that. Alls I know, is that it took me the better part of 2 years to seriously practice and learn to say, “FUCK IT! FUck all of this!” and let all the “rules” and all the preconceived notion of what this parenting craziness was ACTUALLY going to be like. Not negating anything you feel, but I think sometimes we all just need to loosen up and realize that every day is gonna be different,. and the ever present motto, “It wont always be like this”.
Believe it or not, that is my mantra most days “fuck it” or “I don’t want too today”. I defiantly do not do everything on my list everyday, I don’t do their routine to a T everyday either. You just can’t with twins or multiple kids cause each day is different from the last. I don’t need perfection or a schedule or a perfect routine. I also don’t yell at kate to do chores or scream or say nasty things to her even when I want too. We just don’t have that kind of relationship. What I’m really birthing about here is doing 90% of EVERYTHING all the time regardless of how often I’ve asked for help or had an emotional breakdown. Which just happened a couple days ago hence the rapid posting lol. So I actually get you and what you’ve said and understand where your coming from. Also have mad respect for working moms too cause it’s a whole other can of worms! Their just has to be balance in a home and their isn’t in mine and hasn’t been for a very long time.
I’m actually the easy going parent if you can believe that.
I am also a stay at home mom. Its hard having just one so I can only imagine the stress you’re going through. Many people think its easy. Most of the time the child would not even let you take a shower let alone actually sit and do school work. Smh it’s stressful. All I can suggest is demanding some me time because continious stress is not good whatsoever.
I feel for you 100% I am a sahm and I have found having a set schedule is crucial for everything. I make sure I get everything done fairly early in the day, cleaning, cooking, meal prepping for the week and dinner. I don’t procrastinate anything or it will all just pile up. I hope you can come to some sort of agreement with your wife, maybe a few days a week for assistance. I can’t imagine your stress. I generally take care of everything myself during the week and my hubs takes over at bedtime (if I need a break) and on the weekends. He works so hard to make sure I’m relieved when I need to be. That’s extremely important. In the meantime, know you’re doing a great job and it does get easier. Just try for a more strict schedule so you don’t get overwhelmed.
Thanks. I had to loosen my schedule actually cause it was causing me more stress. I have general one now I try to stick too. 2 year olds are very hard to keep on schedule outside of sleep.
I swear this is my life you’re describing. I use to work outside of the home, then became a stay at home mother with two children. After I started working outside of the home once again BUT encountered my youngest at the time to keep getting sick from daycare and the kids there… So.. I was blessed to find a job that allows me to work from home. Which is awesome… I have my kids home sick free… Oh wait I didn’t mention I have a third now… My spouse I guess is a spouse. I ask for help and he does what he wants BUT favorite thing to say is to reach out to others. I feel like others had nothing to do with their creation… Ugghh don’t get me started. Just know I tottttaalllllyyyy understand. I have an 8 year old a 2 year old and 10 month old… My woosah is deep breaths and wine