Please Don’t Tell Me This

Written by a fellow blogger I couldn’t resist reposting her blog post and sharing my points to it as well.

From most annoying to least.

1. Telling me I need/should get an epidural based on their experience. I’m glad it was helpful to you and you feel confident in your past choice, however have you asked me why I don’t want one? Probably not and if you did I’m sure it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. Let me make my own choices as you did once it’s not respectful to try to lead me to a decision I’m not comfortable with by fear tactics and stories.

2. That we will never sleep again. Read what my fellow blog friend wrote, it sums it up quite well.

3. That we will need more help than we could ever imagine. I’m sure we will need a lot of help, but the constant reminder feels more like a scare tactic than a well meaning comment. Plus it always comes from people assuming how terribly hard parenting twins “could” be and ever from other twin parents.

3. To soak in my boredom now. Every time I say how bored I am and how I can’t wait for the babies to get her I am bombarded by preppie telling me to enjoy it. To love being alone cause you will hate not being bored ever again. I worked hard to have these babies and have wanted them my whole life, I’m bored because I’m ready to spend the rest of my life NOT being bored and soaking in the love and challenges of parenting them. These well meaning people make kids sound horrible and like they never wanted them and it bothers me.

4. Telling me “but your having twins” after every complaint or comment about my pregnancy concerns. Saying this every time I say anything about my swollen feet, swollen belly, heartburn or size. Let alone just speaking of my pregnancy generally. It makes me feel like my ailments aren’t valid or that somehow I don’t/can’t understand why I feeling the way I am.

5. The comment “I wish I had a wife” in reference to Kate wanting to breastfeed the babies or anything she does for me. I’m sorry your husband sucked at his job of taking care of you during pregnancy or your newborn babies, but saying that you wish you had a wife sounds ignorant. It makes my marriage sound like a “choice” or in someway more “fun” than a “real” marriage. All these terms have been used over and over with us and I’m tired of it. Can you stop seeing us as just a female partnership and instead assume that our marriage and relationship is more similar to your hetero one than you’d think?! Cause guess what, it is.

I understand that all these comments are not coming from an unloving place but the thoughtlessness behind them is frustrating and sometimes just hurtful. It would be really nice if everyone could think a bit more before they talk.

Eventual Momma

This post was inspired by a group of wonderful women that I met through an online ttc and pregnancy support site. I’ve been thinking of writing this for awhile, but was battling with the idea until I decided today to go for it. There are certain things that a pregnant woman does not want to hear. While you may mean well, we are about to push a tiny human being out of our bodies, and don’t really need to hear some very specific things……especially from the grocery store clerk, the old lady at the barber or the random person walking around.

First up is how much labor and delivery hurts. I’m sorry if you experienced a painful labor, but no one really knows how an individual is going to respond to the pain of labor. I for one have a pretty high pain tolerance thanks in large part to an…

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11 thoughts on “Please Don’t Tell Me This

  1. I was so bored the last stretch of my pregnancy, I thought it was just me scaling back at work, but interesting to know it’s not uncommon. I compared it to senioritis your last year of high school. You are mentally done and ready for the next chapter. Advising new moms is kind of like therapy for us though. I find myself saying things I heard others say to me, but I try to be very positive and supportive. Sleep happens again and it’s marvelous!

      • I hated answering the same questions over again. “Yes I’m still pregnant” “Yep, I’m uncomfortable” “Uh huh, I am ready to have my baby.” “Nope, I’m not prepared to lose sleep.”

  2. 1. I don’t know why people don’t get that every experience is different. I got an epidural, but I didn’t plan to. That doesn’t mean others should. Those who rock natural childbirth are awesome! I wish you loads of luck with your delivery. 🙂
    2. I slept plenty before returning to work. Granted I was propped up by an abnormally high thyroid until my medication got adjusted, but even now I don’t get all that much less sleep than before. I know I’m lucky that my baby doesn’t need to nurse every 2 hours. I hope you have easy babies, but even if you don’t, you guys will figure it out. My advice is to nap whenever you can. Nest. Don’t stress on getting things done. But do ask for help with things like food and laundry whenever you need to. People want to help. I’m sure you’ll figure out the right balance for you.
    3. There’s two of you. one baby per person. Sounds good. lol
    3. Honestly, I get bored because I can’t easily do the things I normally would do. But, it’s a different kind of bored. If you get bored. I don’t know, seems an odd thing to tell someone.
    4. People need to realize that it’s a kindness to just listen to your complaints without adding crap. There’s no way I would have enjoyed twins. The single kid hurt enough. I don’t know how twin mamas do it except that you have to. My advice here is for after. If you find you have pain after a few months, go see a physical therapist that specializes in post natal stuff. I’m doing that now and it’s really helpful. Painful while I’m there, but helpful. 🙂
    5. Straight people are often ignorant. I flat out tell them the truth when it comes to stuff like this. That anyone can have a good relationship, but it takes work. It has nothing to do with being gay, but both people actively committing and working on things. It seems a lot of straight people run on relationship autopilot.

    You’re going to kick ass at this parenting thing. Be kind to yourselves, enjoy the babies, and we all look forward to pictures. 🙂

  3. I think that “I wish I had a wife” comes from a place of sexism, like a wife is going to always be more helpful than a husband could possibly be. The same people will ask a child “where’s mommy?” when the kid is lost and scared, as if mom is the only source of comfort for the child. Some people are sexist and can’t think beyond the gender roles they subscribe to.

  4. Great points. People are so forward when you’re pregnant. In the hospital every time I told a nurse I was tired because they kept me on triage for nine hours they told me to get used to it. I actually jokingly told one I wanted to slap her. Carrying twins is hard and no one is an expert just bc they did it 6 mo ago or two years ago. Every experience is different. Good post!

  5. Being pregnant has made me hate people way more than I ever did before (which was still a lot). I read somewhere that people treat pregnant women, their bodies, and their babies basically like they are public property. It’s SO true. Everyone has an opinion and people ask the MOST intrusive questions. My husband’s boss asked him a day or two ago if I was dilated yet. Excuse me? Please mind your own cervix.

    The most condescending comment I got about the epidural thing was from my sister-in-law, who in response to me saying I was planning for a natural child

    • (cont.) birth, said something like “well, I enjoyed my epidural, but more power to you.” Infuriating.

      Just so tired of people I barely know asking me such personal questions and giving me their advice like somehow I care.

      Also, I hear you on being bored. I am very type A, and Goose and I are both planners, so we had everything ready to go by 37 weeks. And now all that’s left to do it sit and wait. I HATE waiting.

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