I don’t want people thinking I’m ungrateful for being pregnant. Nor do I need criticism for being human and having human emotions. So if you can’t be empathetic when reading this post, don’t read it.
What I thought pregnancy would be like:
Bonding with my wife
Less stressful than TTC
What pregnancy has been:
Eye opening/life altering
Only remotely less stressful than TTC
Moments of pure happiness
Stressful on my marriage & also good for my marriage
Now let me elaborate a bit
Even when I feel my worst I’ve never once thought “why in the hell did we do this” or “never mind, I want out”. I’m beyond blessed with a twin pregnancy and to be pregnant at all.
That being said it is a million times more uncomfortable than I ever imagined. Yes, I’m pregnant with two so my body is working twice as hard, I fucking get that! Yet I am so beyond sore, tired and emotionally stretched most days that I find it hard to function in normal day to day activities. That can be very depressing and belittling.
Speaking of depression. Why does no one talk about that part of pregnancy? It’s a mind fuck! One day I’m overjoyed and blissful and the next I feel totally depressed and stressed out. I battle depression and anxiety while not being pregnant, and while I’m not depressed per say now, I’m having a lot of depressive days. Imdont know where it comes from most days either.
Pregnancy has been an serious eye opener to life situations. Things you never thought of before become very in your face. Like where you can and cannot bring children or babies. Types of items you actually do need for babies and children. How much you dislike certain types of parenting styles, or just the opposite, how much you love certain parenting styles. Who really cares for you and wants to be a part of your life and your family. Supportive and unsupportive family members. I could go on and on.
Although I prefer the stress that comes with being pregnant to that of TTC, it is still a lot of stress. You get a small “honeymoon” phase of pregnancy where your just stoked not to be TTCing Andy more and then BAM! You have to reach each pregnancy milestone, plan accordingly for your future without getting ahead of yourself, listen to people’s opinions and “helpful advice” while gritting your teeth, have arguments and sometimes troubling conversations with your spouse about parenting and pregnancy you overlooked or didn’t know you weren’t on the same page about. Then try not to freak out about caring for a human being, or two in my case!
Everyday I wake up with a headache or migraine, I attempt to do different things to keep them at bay, and sometimes it works. My body feels like I’m 30 weeks pregnant most days; putting on socks and shoes hurts, bending over hurts, getting up is hard, getting out of bed with a Snoogle is almost comical, having to pee or poop RIGHT FUCKING NOW because the babies are pressing up against my bladder or bowels is both scary and hurts, peering yourself even if just a bit is unnerving and not being able to hold in your farts is sad and embarrassing.
My emotion state is starting to take a toll on me and my marriage/relationships. My temper is getting a bit shorter than normal. Peoples niaeve comments get to me and stay with me. Again people’s “helpful advice” or opinions make me frustrated, mad, sad and are at times hurtful. I’m going to snap wether by crying or screaming in the very near future. If you know me in daily life……you’ve been warned!
Things I’m sick of hearing:
“How are you doing?” In that because your pregnant I know need to pretend I care kind of way.
When I reply “tired” or shrug cause I’m bad at faking my emotions. I hear “that’s cause your pregnant” oh why thank you for pointing that out for me what I kind response “well you are having twins” I am?! OMG I thought I was just getting fat and there were snakes in my belly moving around! “get used to it” go fuck yourself and come up with something less insensitive and obvious to say “don’t complain be thankful” Just because I’m pregnant I’m now supposed to pretend like everything is rainbows and sunshine, my feeling no longer matter, and somehow because I’m tired I don’t appreciate being pregnant? Again go fuck yourself. “your the one who wanted to get pregnant” No shit Sherlock! I knew it wouldn’t be perfect either doesn’t mean I can’t have my bad days.
How about how everyone wants to tell you how terrible life is after kids. How any ideals you have abut parenting, parenthood or your future won’t happen or are unrealistic cause they have children and they know so. Just because you have children does not mean my family, my children, my parenting choices will be the same or have the same outcome as yours. Where’s the support people?
Im always the first one to tell someone they were right or laugh at myself and what I thought something would be like. A little encouragement and support from friends and family would go a long way. In this respect being pregnant is very similar to TTC, everyone thinks they know the right way to do it.
Please stop negating everything I say! I’m starting to feel about as small as a ant these days with all the naysaying. Do I really need to cry for someone to realize what their saying or doing is not helpful?
I know I’m ranting like crazy, I know I sound like an overly sensitive bitch right now. In some ways I am. For the most part, I’m just being real and raw. I don’t sugarcoat things and I don’t think it’s healthy too. I actually do like being pregnant and could write a much longer post about that. But I’ll save that for a fluffier day. Today I’m telling you like it is. Like it or leave it.