My first OB appointment and sex questions

What should I expect and what should I ask?

I know my OB already but not as well as my RE and I have no idea what this first appointment will entail or what I should know going into it.

I do believe I get an ultrasound out of it, I will press her for one if not!

I have a lot of anxiety suddenly. Feeling like something bad is coming my way and I don’t like that feeling. I keep having dreams of the babies not being there or one of them not having a heartbeat next time. I’ve been so calm I’m mad my subconscious is doing this to me.

On a totally different note. I need some advice and or a listening ear. Over the past two years Kate and I have been through a lot of stress. I’ve been in and out of work more than most and financially we’ve struggled to make end meet. On top of that Kate had been in school and working full time for one of those years, planning a wedding and then jumping into TTC while I battles major depression.

Because of all those this, I’m assuming, sex has been less than a priority at least for me. We went from sex a few times a week to who knows when we last had sex. It saddens me to know how large of a role I play in this part of our life. I’m the one who doesn’t want it very often, Kate just waits patiently for me to make the first move. It’s got to be disheartening and frustrating for her.

The past year trying to get pregnant has been the worst of it. Unlike hetero couples trying to get pregnant for us does not include having sex. Also we have two cycles to coordinate when to have sex. That leaves us with a week or two a month to have sex. Then we got concerned about having sex during the TWW in case it wouldn’t help measures. Now we were down to maybe a week in a month of safe sex zone time.

One day I realized “holy shit we haven’t had sex in over two months!”, so I initiated it, and it was well received. Since then I have felt nearly no desire to have sex nor pleasure myself, and I hate to admit it but I’ve been lazy on just pleasing my wife as well.

Since becoming pregnant that interest in sex has decreased even more. I now have sex dreams all the time, but when I wake up I’m not at all in the mood. WTF?

What do I do to overcome this? Is it normal to lose interest in sex during pregnancy? I’ve heard the exact opposite from most my friends. I do think being in a same sex relationship plays a larger role because a testosterone filled male would most likely initiate more than two estrogen filled women.

Hetero advice welcome, but I am very interested in what the lesbian couples have to say about this one. I’m feeling like this isn’t normal.

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41 thoughts on “My first OB appointment and sex questions

  1. I lost any kind of sex drive during the first trimester. The second was better, since I had more energy, and the third was somewhere in between. mostly though, the things that helped were things like touch in ways that were not intended to be sexual. Ie, massage helped relax me and also helped us stay connected. I wish we had done more of that when I was pregnant!

  2. Everyone is different but typically sex increases in the second trimester. The first is too exhausting and the nausea makes it uneanted. The third is challenging but the second is usually good.

  3. We find that if we leave sex for the night time, I’m too tired and uninterested. Once we started initiating in the afternoons, it got a lot better- more intimacy overall, and more motivation for foreplay (at night, we just wanted to orgasm and roll over). The reality might be though, that you may just have to wait it out until second trimester. Last pregnancy, I did make a point of pleasuring DW independent of reciprocation. It made me happy to do so.

  4. I had zero sex drive the whole time I was pregnant with Henry…I kept waiting for it to kick in during the second trimester and it never did. At first, we didn’t talk about it (I think we were both hoping if we ignored the fact that it had been months since we’d had sex, it would magically just start happening again). Anyway, then it became this looming thing in my mind and it was so much better just to be totally honest about the lack of sex. For us, things didn’t really start getting back to “normal” until we were all sleeping through the night!

  5. The first trimester i could barely do anything but work and try to eat, so no sexy fun time. The second and third trimesters have been MUCH better! As for your first OB appointment, mine was pretty simple – weight, BP, urine and blood draw, doppler (my midwife conic doesn’t do u/s) and questions. I imagine a twin pregnancy might be a little different though!

  6. Herero here-but I bet this applies to all. I’ve read (and experienced) that sex is so important to your relationship that even when you’re not in the mood you should try anyway, and chances are you’ll get in the mood soon enough. Chief and I have definitely had our ups and downs, but I will say that the more we do it the more we want to, which seems counterintuitive. Hope that helps.

  7. I can’t weigh in on changes due to pregnancy, but I can on the ttc part of it. The mood changes from the drugs, financial stress, constant dissapointment and worry from failed cycles, and always having to schedule sex around things really makes sex a lot less appealing. Our sex frequency fell off dramatically while ttc for all those reasons. When we took a break from ttc things picked up. While it definitely sucks, I think its pretty much par for the course and you two will get centered again sooner than later.

  8. I literally just blogged about this! I unfortunately did not go into sexual beast mode during pregnancy and the struggle to be a sex pot has been real! The mechanics of sex just got worse the bigger I got. It was only exacerbated by the twins arrival and my feelings about my post baby body. It takes a concious effort on both parts but we are talking about it more and that has lead to doing something about it. I feel ya girl! Check out my post if you get time.

    http://lezbmommies.blogspot.com/2015/01/bringing-sexy-back.html?m=0

  9. This is hilarious as Mike and I had a big sex talk today. I’m feeling the opposite. Lots of sex dreams lead me to want it during waking hours. For once my husband was kindly reminding me that sex is off limits right now. Did you hold out for an O until after first ultrasound or how long were you told to wait?

    • We actually were not told to wait or not wait at all. I’ve heard that you “should” wait until at least the first ultrasound and then over heard it can do no harm. We hadn’t had sex at all in months, hence this post, so I’m hoping that changes soon.

  10. M and I went through a dreadful time after I detoxed and got sober. I was so depressed and anxious over the adjustment to life without alcohol that multi-month dry spells were not uncommon. But, I also wasn’t interested in much of anything. I remember the therapist saying that if I only lost interest in sex it might be a red flag but losing interest in many things probably meant I just needed time. It did help to talk about it. I highly recommend not letting negative energy build up around it. It seems that’s when things get tricky. My advice, just keep growing those babies and don’t pressure yourself.

  11. Because you’re having twins you’ll have an ultrasound at every appointment, which should be once a month. They have to check to make sure both are growing on schedule as sometimes there are complications with one twin out growing the other which is a problem. In the meantime you might look in to getting a doppler to check on them yourself. My friend sent me hers and its been a life saver for me when I get anxious. (We lost our first pregnancy with a MMC that wasnt found til after the fact at an ultrasound I was all alone at. It was devastating and has left me more than a little traumatized.)
    As for sex drive, I found mine to be nonexitent until the second tri hit and even now I still feel a little hesitant because orgasms cause me to contract after. My husband definitely lets me take the lead and sometimes I just take care of him other ways to avoid a mutual sexual experience.

    • Good to know, I was hoping to hear that I’d have more frequent ultrasounds. We have a friend who is going to let us borrow her Doppler, we have a cheap one but I want one that tells me the heart rates.

      • It’s a heck of a lot easier to know for sure you’ve found them when you can see the heartrates. Also, wanted to second a PP who mentioned initiating things earlier in the day, i found during first tri that was the only way I could muster enough energy to do anything romantical. Oh and a little trick, I tell him that i had a dirty dream where I did ____ to him and he must let me act it out. He gets excited I initiate things and doesnt put up a fight about recipricating.

  12. This is totally normal. Things will come back around. In the meantime, Netflix has some inspirational movies. Find Kiss Me, a Swedish film. And maybe Blue is the Warmest cooler (though not a very happy ending). They always motivate us…

  13. I feel like I’m right there with you, as I’ve had absolutely no interest in sex since becoming pregnant. I’ve heard many people have an increased sex drive, but sadly I’m not one of them I guess. I wish I had some great advice for you though… Just last night I was feeling guilty, and bad for my husband. I offered sex but he knew I wasn’t in the mood and basically told me it was okay, that we didn’t have to, and we didn’t. I guess on one hand it’s nice he understands, but on the other, I just still feel really guilty. I know every couple goes through peaks and valleys, I just hope our valley is over soon, and yours too.

  14. My wife had fluctuations in sex drive theoughout her entrie pregnancy. One month she didn’t want anything to so with it, the next was a near-constant need, and back again. She sounds a lot like you where she just naturally doesn’t have as big of a drive as I do. It is normal to have changes in your drive in pregnancy, everyone is just different in how those changes manifest. Also, i can tell you that there is a chance it will be a struggle once the babies are here, as my wife and I still struggle to sync up and get intimate, which I know is not just a lesbian thing, but hetero couples have this issue as well. My advice is just try to make time for Kate, even if you aren’t wanting it, chances are good that you will be able to help fill her love quota and be intimate without necessarily having to do anythin dor yourself if you aren’t in the mood.

  15. Sex for us was non-existent for the first two trimesters and really for most of the time we were TTC. We were under toooo much pressure and stress to be bothered with it. There was like a week or two during the second trimester that we got busy like every night for 2 weeks or so. But in the 3rd trimester I had to beat Callie off with a stick! Like, seriously!! To the point that she would cry and tell me that I was awful for not having sex with her, but I was exhausted! While she was on bedrest, I was working and carrying the weight of two at home and with Mary. And even know, we just had sex for the first time last night since 3 weeks before the boys were born. We’ve never been a very sexual couple. Not for any other reason than we’d rather watch movies and cuddle….

    • I like this response it makes me feel less guilty. We’ve never been a very sexual couple either, also more interested in cuddling and watching movies. The first year of course was off the charts but not since then. I’m hoping I get some good urges in the next trimester, but we talked about it and she said she will be ok if we don’t get our groove back until after the babies. It makes me feel a little less stressed about it.

  16. 1st tri I dont think we had sex at all – maybe once? I lost all sex drive due to the sickness and constant retching (such a turn off lol). Plus I was terrified of MC again. 2nd tri my libido has come back in force lol. My wife is super careful with penetrative sex but I’m relaxing more now that I haven’t had any bleeding at all. Ummmm – TMI but our boy seems very interested lol, after orgasming we can feel that he has moved right down low and almost seems to be looking at my cervix!!! At first we were a bit mortified but now it’s become a joke. Typical boy eh?

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